The endorphins have long worn off – a frustrating paradox. What is now pain that I want direly to escape was precisely what was integral in bringing...about the incredible rush that I had craved all my life in the first place. Such sadistic pain giving such perverse pleasure, and now, even feeling the full extent of hurt and no longer able enjoy it, there remained a deep need, an almost mechanical response to you. Like a child awaiting Santa, the Gothic version of that tale.It starts from my toes. "With Susan it was different though. She was the first person who showed me that she thought I was someone worth getting to know and who had something to offer them in return. For me what was truly amazing was the fact that a girl as bright, as open and vivacious, actually wanted to get to know me and even become my girlfriend. That she was also open about the fact sex was for her something she found pleasurable and wanted to share that experience with me was something I found difficult to. More

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